It’s after midnight, crossing into Samhain. At least three college assignments, a client project and a bombsite of a bedroom fight for my attention simultaneously. Yet, I have no desire to tackle any of them.
Concentration, focus and motivation have taken an extended vacation, perhaps to sunnier climes? I want to draw, be creative, get my shit together and WORK on stuff, be productive. There is the occasional burst of activity, usually brought on by a rare good moment or an impending deadline (hello, Monday!). Mostly, it’s just the grey buzzing of an overloaded brain. Trying to find inspiration in the world around me. Momentary flashes occur, but the well is dry at the moment. There seems to be no time for anything.
I look out to the drizzly skyline of Vancouver, the lines of Grouse Mountain lost in the haze of rainclouds and darkness. The occasional whistle or bang of fireworks and mischief-makers punctuate the night at random intervals. I want my loved one here with me, not halfway around the damn planet. Yet the phone is dead. Alas, life and it’s choices create random patterns and circumstances. Some make sense, others…what the hell?!
My social skills have deteriorated somewhat in the last couple of months. The mental overload that accompanies my studies – plus the madness that has been 2010 to date – have left me with very little energy and the loss of any ability to coherently express myself in any form. Sometimes I’m reasonably OK, other times I’m a stuttering wreck. I’m more – and want to be more – than what many see, but I’m stuck behind walls. An initial conclusion would point to certain events in the last 12-24 months as sources. The reality is that they are defensive barriers, erected to protect myself. If anyone really knew the full story, they wouldn’t blame me one bit.
I was reading a classmate’s blog earlier this evening. Reading their words struck a chord. I know what they mean, feeling like the proverbial island in the sea of humanity. The fear, the barriers, the money worries, the scattered nature of life as it currently stands. I wish I could say to them, “You’re not alone in feeling like this.” Yet, my current state of social retardation and the arm’s lengths at which we mostly keep each other will prevent that. Damn. Fuck those that hurt others to the point of emotional damage. It is said that karma will even the balance in the end, but there are times where it’s horribly tempting to play the Angel of Justice in this reality.
It’s times like this I’m grateful for dear friends. They know who they are 😉 Also, there is one within the professional sphere that is proving to be of great help, more than they know. Having someone take the time to listen and to care, knowing that they get it, they really GET it, even as I stutter to get the words and thoughts out…that’s a rare gift. Knowing that they’ll be willing to listen (and help, if possible) in the future is one little thing that makes these overwhelmingly grey days a tad more bearable.