Catch-up & Black Dogs

So much for getting back to “daily photos”.

It’s been a rough month, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I’ve hit the proverbial brick wall and consequently spent most of February in hermit mode. The madness of the last few months finally caught up with me in a big way. There have been days in a row where I haven’t left my apartment at all.

I’m feeling a general sense of hopelessness about many things at the moment. Losing two jobs after the scooter accident and the resultant medical bills have now left me behind the eight ball financially. Work is very hard to come by in the current economic climate and I’m going backwards in a big way.

As it stands right now, if I don’t get some form of regular work within the next month or so, there is a possibility that I may have to go back to Australia for a while. I’m now living on reserves only, to the point where I’m literally paying to live in Canada. That was not the idea behind me being here in the first place. Living on my own funds whilst travelling is one thing, but not on a day-to-day regular basis. I do want to try and stick it out for a while longer, if I can. Part of it is because I have an apartment lease to consider, but I’m feeling that having to return to Australia in these circumstances would amount to defeat.

I’m also feeling wrung out, mentally and emotionally. There are days where I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I barely recognize myself. I feel empty, a shell of myself, of the Pixie I used to be.

I was going back through pieces of a travel journal I kept during the USA/Canada epic wander of 2005. Looking back at my younger self, s/he was also conflicted, but at least s/he had a sense of hope and energy. I wonder whatever happened to that Pixie…

How it’ll all pan out, I really have no idea at this point. It’s just day by day at this point.

At the very least, I’m starting to make some effort to salvage the 365 project. The four shots below are grabbed from random snaps taken throughout the rest of February.

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3 Responses to Catch-up & Black Dogs

  1. cindiaugustine says:

    These are fascinating studies in shape and texture, I’m always impressed by your creativity.

    I know it’s been a rough few months, but know that we love you and believe in you. The old Pixie energy is still in there, trust me. You’ll find it again.

    Hugs,
    C.

  2. wanderingpixie says:

    Thanks, hun. It’s starting to get a little better, although I have my moments. I do feel stirrings of the old self from time to time…

    It’s good to know I’ve got dearly loved friends in my corner.

    (hugs)

  3. cindiaugustine says:

    That you do, hon, that you do.

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